NARRATOR [who sounds weirdly like that bloke in Broadchurch]: Today is one of the most significant days of the ticketing year at our football club and there is a sense of nervousness in the air as the Managing Director locks up his bike outside the stadium.
[Sound of a bicycle falling over on someone's feet.]
N: Gruff Yorkshireman Mick Mack, Head of Team Performance, is soon on hand to give advice.
MICK MACK: I'll show you how to park it later! And that bus.
MD [muttering under his breath] Yeah, but my bike has got to stay parked for more than forty-five minutes.
N: MD, the club's Managing Director is meeting up with the key members of his team, Graham Bobbins, Supreme Warlord, Media and Marketing and Wendy Ramsey, Director of Everything Else in the boardroom under the dignified gaze of the sculptured heads of legendary managers, Sir Alf Ramsey and Sir Bobby Robson. [Addresses WR] That's quite a job title, Wendy!
WR: Well, we've had to make a few cuts in our non-playing staff so basically there's only me and Graham left.
N: Wendy, I've never asked you about your name. Ramsey. It's quite significant for someone who works here, isn't it?
WENDY [tersely]: No relation.
N: Oh, really? I thought...
WR: It's my husband's name. Well, soon to be ex-husband actually.
N: I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to intrude...
WR: No, it's all right. I don't mind. He chucked me out. He said I was rubbish at everything I turned my hand to, only wanted him for his money and had let everything deteriorate to the point that the house was quite literally falling apart. He said ...
MD: Thank you, Wendy. I think it's time to start the meeting, isn't it? As you know, I've called you all in today for the first meeting of our new strategic planning sub-committee, the Future Income: Annual Supporter Culling Operation...
GB: But that spells...
MD: Never mind the acronym, Graham. That's all going to be kept completely in-house.
GB & WR: Cool.
N: I'm sorry, Managing Director, but I couldn't help noticing...
MD: My new Chelsea tie? It's rather nice, isn't it? I'm a fan you know. A football fan. A fan, indeed, of all things football. I know a lot about football, me. Because I'm a football fan.
N: No, not your tie. It's the name of your sub-committee... erm - Supporter Culling...?
MD [proudly]: Yes, it's rather good, isn't it?
N: Yes, but....
MD: You see, not many people know this, but our ultimate aim is to remove the actual supporter from the matchday scenario while increasing our income stream via the strategic use of Virtual Supporters.
N: Virtual Supporters?
GB: Yes, we think that replacing real people in the ground - with all those unreliable variables of human behaviour -
WR: And children.
GB: Yes, exactly. Children aren't really in our corporate vision going forward, what with their inconvenient habit of falling over and getting themselves hit by flying footballs all the time, so we intend to replace them with Virtual Children.
N: Virtual Children? But surely real children consume a lot of club-related merchandise...
WR: Oh yes, and they still will, encouraged by watching our Virtual Children who will be projected onto the empty seats where they once sat, abusing, I might add, the beneficence of the club by not paying attention to the football one hundred per cent of the time. In contrast, the Virtual Children will be there for every match and they can be seen doing anything from eating a hot dog to modelling the latest child size replica shirt...
GB: And the thing about Virtual Supporters is that they always support the club, come what may.
MD: They don't criticise.
WR: They don't complain.
GB: They always fall in line with the owner's wishes. And the fans at home still have the opportunity to participate via their iPads and tablets, logged directly into our online shop. It's a win-win situation.
WR: Well, except on the pitch of course where it's usually a draw-draw situation! [Laughs but quickly realises that no one else is laughing.]
GB: Our Virtual Supporters will sing throughout the match. We've got some recordings from 1981 that we can use.
MD: So, you see, why on earth would we want to actively encourage real supporters to renew their season tickets? People may think what we're doing is a strange way to treat loyal supporters who've patiently put up with watching rubbish football for nearly a decade, but they'll eventually appreciate that the club doesn't need them anymore. Especially all those revolting old people who have been coming to watch us for over fifty years, who never buy anything from the club shop and, let's face it, they don't look too good when the TV cameras pan across to them.
N: But if you drive away the real supporters, what will you do to replace the income from lost ticket sales?
MD: Well, there'll still be some people who insist on actually coming into the ground in person so we've had this brilliant idea to maximise revenue from them.
N: And how will you do that?
MD: They'll have to pay to get out.
WR: Brilliant!
GB: Brilliant!
You can read more about the ITFC season ticket fiasco by Matt Makin, Stephen Skeet and Gavin Barber elsewhere on this website.