NARRATOR [Over what sounds strangely like the TARDIS landing in the background, a soft, familiar Scottish voice]: Today we focus upon a different aspect of the day-to-day life of this small, mid-table Championship football club, leaving the fast-moving, glamorous world of the Bespoke Global Deliverance Provider, John Fletcher, Graham Bobbins, now Customer Experience Enhancement Overlord, Virgo Supercluster and Wendy Ramsey, now promoted to Solutions Architect & Change Management Lead. Instead we turn our gaze on the Head of Performance, the gruff, tell-it-like-it-is Yorkshireman, Mick Mack, and his quiet assistant, Terry Terry. We start the day as the manager has a hurried breakfast at home before starting what will be a very busy day.
MRS MICK MACK: Cup of coffee, darling?
MICK MACK: No, I don't want any chuffing coffee. You can say "coffee" to me all bloody day if you want and I'll still have tea.
MRS MM: Two sugars, as usual though?
MM: Two sugars? You know it's always been three. Ever since I was a kid in Yorkshire. I suppose two sugars is flavour of the month again, is it? Well, I've got news for you. I'm sticking with three.
NARRATOR: And so it goes on, until the manager arrives at his neat, extremely compact office in a Portakabin near Portman Road. It's Monday morning, just before 7, and the sleepy town of Ipswich is just starting to wake up. As he climbs the steps into his office, a lone fan offers the manager some advice.
FAN'S VOICE: Get rid of Douglas and put Kévin Bru back in, mate.
MM: No, I bloody won't. And for that, I'm sending Bru out on a season-long loan. To Rovaniemen bloody Palloseura. And if their ground's not cold enough for him, he can go to Stoke City on a free.
NARRATOR: Mick Mack has very kindly allowed us to shadow him, to offer us - and the fans - a unique insight into his working day.
MM: I like to be the first person in. I can get on with things. No distractions. And no bloody advice.
NARRATOR: Sitting in the office that he shares with his assistant, Terry Terry, six physios, two secretaries and which doubles up as a hotdog stand on match days, Mick tells us about a new training regime he's devised for this season. Players have to report for training at midday on a Monday, two hours later than normal, to allow them extra time to recover from Saturday’s match.
MM: Which was fine until that Chambo fella started saying he wanted to come in two hours earlier because he thought we could do with the extra fitness training. I mean. Chuffing Norah! Who does he think he is, the bloody Captain or something?
INTERVIEWER: So what did you do?
MM: I told him. You can come in three hours later for that. The more you offer to come in earlier, the later it will start. And I'll introduce soft cushions if you're not careful. And a snooker table.
INTERVIEWER: I understand that you and Terry have installed a high-tech system for analysing player performance.
MM [proudly, lifting a heavy Rolodex from under his desk]: Indeed we have. Terry and me introduced it at Wolves. It's been invaluable. We use it to analyse performances and give feedback to the players.
NARRATOR: Mick Mack proudly opens the cutting-edge system and allows us to peek inside...
INTERVIEWER [excitedly]: Mick Mack is allowing me to access his information system here... The player records are all there, in fine detail. Christophe Berra, Stephen Hunt, Sylvain Ebanks-Blake... erm... Stearman, Craddock, Kightly... Hang on!
MM: You can see we're bang up to date not only with the latest technology but also with the data on our players.
INTERVIEWER: But aren't they... er... Aren't they former Wolves players, Mr Mack? I mean, perhaps if you used some members of your own Ipswich squad... Maybe Bru or ...
MM: You know, there's always someone shouting in your earhole about their favourites and the more they do, the more Wolves 2011 players I'm going to put into the first team.
INTERVIEWER: I do think the Sears-McGoldrick pairing is...
MM: Right. That's it. Terry! Get Emanuel Frimpong on that chuffing phone...
With thanks to @chompx3 for the idea.